Relationships require more than one type of communication; let’s look at the importance of verbal communication.
Many times, we think silence is better; especially if it avoids an argument, so we stay quiet.
Withholding information creates a divide and then one day you realize there’s a brick wall created by your silence: which prevents you from freely sharing or growing within that relationship.
Consider reviewing the negative part of communication as a positive tool that can crush those bricks; preventing a wall of division or we can be quiet and allow the bricks to be placed brick by brick while thinking we are offering peace.
Bottom line – there’s no way around the work, there’s no way around the growth, there’s no way around.
Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Not responding and sharing your opinion is a form of withholding information.
Even having the ability to say something without the restrictions of consequences playing in our head, thinking it’s a set-up to argue, trying to avoid discussions that could last for hours, whatever the reasons are that causes you to stay silent, it’s not an enhancer to the relationship; it’s quite the opposite if you really thought about it.
James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.
It doesn’t say, slow to be quiet and not say anything, it says be slow to speak.
Sometimes we take the word out of content and use it as a pass to not say anything; we’d prefer the silence and think saying less is more; sometimes that is true but not always.
Communication requires two people sharing thoughts, ideas, suggestions, and future planning which could open the door to negative dialogue; especially if we’ve not learned how to share without getting angry.
When I say something that I know a person may already disagree with, it can cause friction.
And many times we assume because a person shares their thoughts, more than others, regardless of the friction they feel, we think it’s easy for them to do, no…that’s not true, they are on edge as well, they don’t want to argue or fight, they want peace, but more so, they want to be heard and understood and that’s why they take a chance and speak up.
Who wants to be viewed as an aggressive, argumentative, selfish, or labeled as a rude and negative person?
In the previous scripture, it gives us permission to quickly listen, slowly speak and not to burst into anger, slowly get angry which allows us time to ask ourselves some questions and figure out “why” we get angry, or defensive.
Again, communication takes two and we need to learn each person’s style of communication and that doesn’t mean you can be silent, it means you each need to do some work.
It’s similar to someone quietly getting up and walking away in the middle of the conversation, they’ve checked out, they are not interested, or they don’t agree with what you’re talking about…that’s a physical check out.
It’s just the same as the moment you realize you don’t agree with the person speaking, you mentally checkout by being quiet, blocking what is being said by thinking about everything else, no engagement at all, that’s a mental check out.
They both hurt the person you should be engaging with. When this happens, it’s an indicator that we both need to learn how to dialogue with each other, how to listen and allow what is heard time to filter and be slow to speak and slow to anger, pay attention to your non-verbal actions.
We shouldn’t pull away from communicating because negativity may overtake the conversation.
I’ve learned to allow a person to think about what I’m asking or shared since most likely I’ve thought about it for hours, days or months and now I’m seeking a quick response, that’s not fair.
Those are areas to think about, give people time to gather their thoughts about that topic; agree when it’s best to reconvene and discuss further.
Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
We miss the opportunity for each of us to grow. It’s not a battle, we are on the same team, and it’s a learning session which means, there will be times our communication isn’t about being right or wrong but rather heard and understood.
Why do we look at things in such a negative perspective versus getting excited and comfortable in learning new ways to share with each other?
We give the enemy way too much credit. All negative responses are not of him but rather an opportunity to grow as Children of God.
I can grow in learning how to express myself in a more positive way by using different terms and descriptive words to share my thoughts.
I don’t have to get angry or defensive when I’m not understood or when I don’t understand what the other person is saying.
I have a choice to make sure my step of communication follows peace in addition to considering the other persons perspective.
Ephesians 4:15
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, which is Christ.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt misunderstood because of my past ways of communicating. It felt as though it was difficult for them to trust the new ways I’ve started communicating, as though it was a test and not really my thoughts.
It will take people time to adjust to the new way you listen, speak, and respond. You may have to remind them the person they are getting frustrated with is trying to do better with communicating. It won’t happen overnight, but it is worth the time and energy.
Learning new ways to communicate, not assuming what you think a person meant is planting seeds in your spiritual garden and one day, the increase will come.
Communication takes work, a lot of work, but so does anything worth having.
Colossians 4:6
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Here’s a news flash from someone who has been married almost 40 years.
Our communication style changes just as our outward appearance changes; so don’t get comfortable.
There’s no way around the work.
We want results but don’t want to do the uncomfortable work.
Many times, our dysfunctional way of communicating goes much further than our marriage or current relationships and that’s why we need the Lord.
He will lead and guide us in breaking generational curses, in healing a broken heart and giving a peaceful path for us to follow.
When I got married, I understood I wasn’t just marrying the man in front of me. I was marrying the little boy, the teen, the young man and all the issues that haven’t been rectified throughout his life, the pains that haven’t been let go, the disrespects, the baggage that weighs him down, so much more than just the man in front of me just as he was marrying all the younger versions of my hurt and pain that I’ve not let go and that ties into communication dysfunctions.
Philippians 3:13-16
Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.
I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Therefore, let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.
Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind.
Disclaimer - I do not own the rights to this song; music is a form of worship that brings unity, peace and unconditional love.
If you are not a Christian, consider giving your life to Christ today; don’t let another day go by, we are not promised tomorrow.
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